I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
