I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i was born a porn star she said
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
