We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
