Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
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He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
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No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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