You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
