she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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