look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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