The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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