Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
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i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
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I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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