So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
