I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
my being single is dangerous.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
We had to coat check the pizza.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
