her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I have fence marks all over my body
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
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