i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
