Redeem this text for a blowjob
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
