sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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