Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
