if i can run in heels then i can drive
i just google imaged poop.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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