FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
last night I used snow as a chaser
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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