The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
