last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
