he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
