Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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