this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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