i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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