Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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