so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
