You're a womanizer and a bitch.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
