i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
