I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
