Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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