VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I think I just sharted jello shots
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