we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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