Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
