I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Shame - the story of my life.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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