He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
My vagina is officially offended.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
