the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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