It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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