Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
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