This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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