I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
