sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
