We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
