Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
