i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
