Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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