Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
