I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
