if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
