i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
