The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
My bed smells like the plague
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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