He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
