alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
