I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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