just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
