Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
You're earring is so big in my mouth
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.