woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS