I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again