when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
