Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
